Last Fall Jamee, Cathy and I began reading "If You Want to Walk on Water, You've Got to get out of the Boat." Every week we would email each other about what we each learned that week. I want to begin doing that here because I'm in such a unique position right now with God doing so much in my life. I feel I just have to write it down.
So, last Sunday was Father's Day and I went to church...the sermon focused on fathers, but Pastor Mark talked about King David and his life...how he was a man "after God's own heart." This interested me. I wondered why God felt this way about David. So, it inspired me to begin rereading the scripture pertaining to this guy. He started out as a shepherd, then his life took a big turn in that the King of Israel invited him to become a member of his court. David lived in luxury wanting nothing, I'm sure...then all of a sudden "he lost his job' (!) and spent a long time "on the run," living in caves...like a futitve. Well, now I'm not on the run and living in caves (although my guest bedroom feels like that), but I began to relate to this guy. I'm sure he felt wronged, abandoned and lost. But, he continued to have faith in the God of Israel. He struggled with God at times questioning the "why" and anquished over what appeared to be the strength of his adversaries, but his faith remained, maybe not strong all the time, but steadfast. And, if you read his Psalms he seems to use the "sacrifice of praise" in those times of doubt, anquish and weariness. I remember around about week four or five of the last eight weeks at the Army a distinct voice told me that I ought to be in a state of praise and worship. When I felt so lost and blind to my future...not knowing what to do or even how to pray...the voice said just praise God and worship Him...like what David did in the Psalms in his darkest hours. And, I've got to tell you it provided for an amazing transformation in my physical health, my psycological health and my spiritual health. Though I still had no answers necessarily, I had some peace of mind and my physical health was protected because the stress level went down. I just seemed to develop that deep down assurance that God was, in fact, in control and I absolutely clung to that feeling, knowledge, whatever.
Okay, back to last Sunday. The one portion of the service that really got my attention was the closing prayer by the Pastor. He was speaking to the fathers in the congregation, but it hit home. He prayed that that day would begin a new chapter for those who need to forget the past and begin anew...to close that book and focus forward. Yup, I needed to hear that. The two weeks since June 2 I had been in a real funk. Functioning, working like a dog, stressed out over the caos of beginning this new business and very depressed and feeling lost over not "having a job" to go to. I realized while hearing that prayer that I needed to close that chapter officially.
When all this began back on March 31 I had started a journal to record my life and what God was saying to me. I realized last Sunday I needed to literally "close that book." I went home and ended that journal and went back to the one I was writing in previous to March 31. Just that little act helped my attitude and depression. I set my alarm Sunday night (I hadn't been doing that up to this point) and got up on Monday, got dressed, didn't sit on the couch with David and was MSNBC, but had breakfast and "went to work." It was rejuvenating. So, this week has been a good week...a lot accomplished and a feeling of more control and satisfaction. The tremendous stress is still there, but I feel more in control of it rather than it controling me.
The OTHER huge thing I learned this week was the simple fact that God does know everything that happens to me and is interested in each and every thing in my life and I can be assured that He will "participate" and "guide" me in my daily decisions.
As I elluded to previously, it's been so crazy with so many things happening so fast...I'm making decisions about the company so quickly and spur-of-the-moment that I was feeling very scared that I was acting on my own accord and was wondering if these decisions were not "of God." Since March 31 my number one fear and paranoia has been to make a step in my life without God's guidance and assurance that it is as He would want. My peace of mind that God was in control of my life was/is coming from me totally making sure every step was guided by Him.
But, decisions were being made so quickly that I began to fear that it was me making those devisions and not God. You just can't stop in the middle of things flying by you and say a prayer all the time...you've just got to "go with your gut."
So, I'm reading about King David right? And turn over to Psalm 139, and read verses 1-6, 17, 23-24. Oh ya baby!!!
"O Lord, you have searched me and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue you it it completely, O Lord.
You hem me in--behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful me,
too lofty for me to attain."
"How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!"
"Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts,
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting."
So, I began thinking...there are anxious thoughts in my brain...I have fear and distrust over whether I'm the one making these quick decisions or God. Is God in control? Is He guiding me? Am I making the right decisions? Oh yes...this is "offensive" in the Lord's eyes because I'm not believing He's in control. I'm doubting Him...doubting and distrusting whether he is in control of my life...even these little moments of simple decisions. He knows me. He KNOWS me. When I sit, when I rise...He knows my thoughts from afar, He is familiar with ALL my ways (my day to day ways, the little things/decisions in my life) and He has hemmed me in behind and before. Whew. I think I've been making my God too small.
Read the above passages from The Message (this will kick your butt):
"God, investigate my life;
get all the facts firsthand.
I'm an open book to you;
even from a distance,
you know what I am thinking.
You know when I leave and when I get back;
I'm never out of your sight.
You know everything I'm going to say
before I start the first sentence.
I look behind me and you're there,
then up ahead and you're there, too--
your reassuring presence, coming and going.
This is too much, too wonderful--
I can't take it all in!"
THIS is what I learned this week!
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